I Did It.

1207AM 22062008

I have done it. I am now officially a mean bitch and it is like my head is saying one thing and then my conscience is saying another.

I seriously need to rant because I think I need anger management. I just cannot stand stupid people anymore. Mum said I think they're stupid because they're not following what I am saying and she said that is not how I should categorise people. I must say it's really hard not to think someone's stupid especially when everything you say is pretty dumbed down. Well, to what I think is dumbed down.

I think people get stress from work not from the tasks they have to do but the people they have to deal with along the way. I guess everyone would want the world to be run according to their own ideals. Everyone believes if they ruled the world, it would be absolute Utopia. But hey, back to reality.

I mean, I know I jump to conclusions but I have never seen someone jump to so many conclusions PLUS make so assumptions. It's not a nice feeling to get pissed off. But how hard is it to see something when it has been drawn out to you? Literally.

Everyone gets defensive and it's normal and most of the time people get defensive when they feel attacked. That's normal, too. I was pretty angry today. Angry because I was offended because I felt someone didn't follow my logic. And I felt that was plain stupidity. That was already enough until I felt my intelligence was further insulted. Man, at this moment, I am still struggling to go over what actually happened. Honestly, I think I blacked out from anger and there was a stage when I felt like crying. Oh God... I literally felt my face burning up. I don't think I was just pissed off. I was fking pissed off.

The thing is, everyone was just talking about their own opinion, which is not wrong per se (and it's not the first time). It's chaotic when everyone is on different channels. That's confusing and is probably the most frustrating thing anyone will ever have to endure. But why do I get so worked up about everything, anyway? I don't see anyone else being so emotionally attached to this. I think I take things too seriously and when someone blocks my way of reaching a result, let alone question my ability, I get defensive. Maybe I should just not take things as serious anymore? I just cannot bear to see something I have actively willed myself into participating so turn out a flop, where those who watch from afar and those coming after me will turn around and laugh at how much of a loser and a failure I was. That is how I feel right now and I don't want results like before. I don't want to turn into another burnt out flame. But what is there to do when everyone else looks at you and think you're the bitch for saying how you feel? It's like, 'Hey, I know I said that but I didn't mean it enough for you to say it?'.

I've been through this frustration before when I think about what I have gotten myself into? Far out, I have literally done what I said I will do for the past three months and at first it didn't feel like much but after 5 minutes, I was thinking, 'Oh... that was it'. Now what? I still feel like a total bitch who complains about everything and who everyone is scared of because I am a total Nazi.

And to add fuel to the fire, I hate the silence that follows after everytime I point out something that everyone complains about and bitches about but when it comes to confrontation, everyone backs out. I don't care if I am the one to voices out the negativity but just don't make me feel as if I were the only person thinking it and I am the only one picking nits. I don't like being the bitch but I am willing to do so as long as I don't have to go home and channel it out over something else. I totally believe in karma and honestly, it's all going to come back to get me someday. Mum and dad told me to really think about whether I need to put myself through all this? I mean, I don't need to put up with everything and continue to be the bitch - what is there to prove? I bend over my back even during exam times so I can make phone calls to people about things I don't need to care.

I have tried to talk to my friend about this and her and her sister said it's my conscience calling. Maybe deep down I think what I did was excessive. Maybe it was? I don't know. At this point in time, I don't know what's wrong and what's right. All I know is that I have split up a whole team because I was the one who voiced it all out.

Nothing's going to be the same again and I'll let you know if I decide to pull out because of this massive guilt trip I'm on right now.



JYKW

MSN Random

20062008 1228AM

Today's MSN Random:


Jess Zhang says:
I HATE YOU!!
YOU SUCK
Jess Zhang says:
quote that biatch


So I guess she hates me, now? =S


Love
JYKW
xxoo

MSN Random

01062008 2:33PM

Today's MSN Random came from Jess Zhang

Jess Zhang says:
I LOVE PARACETAMOL!


That explains a lot... I knew she was a druggo...